My Lame Blog

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looking back at my previous post I forgot to mention that I did not return the shoes as I went to the bookstore and they said to do it online but I got too nervous to call so I just reordered the books. I am using my second pc in my apartment as opposed to at home. 2/5/2022 6:54am

Believe it or not im not dead and I havent forgotten about this site. I have thought about this site a few times and have just been too lazy/unmotivated to write another blog entry sorry to my non exsistent fan base I really let you down. I suppose I should write things about my life down in case anybody does fid it interesting, I will try to make all the not important details as short as possible. Fall semester went bad, I dropped all but 1 class. I would sleep all the time instead of go to class and just had a general lack of motivation and apathy. I am more hopeful for spring semester. I am confident I would be able to pass all but 1 of my classes if I feel like I did last semester the only one I wouldnt be able to pass is Calc 2. I find Calc 2 easy if I actually show up and pay attention but that is the problem. I just sleep instead of go to classes. I have started seeing a therapist for it but I am not quite sure that will fix the problem as my sleep schedule is jsut super messed up to begin with. I have considered taking sleeping medication to help with a consistent sleep schedule as I feel that could bring back motivation to attend classes and do homework but I am worried I will become reliant on them. I wonder if it is worth it at times though... My therapist also says I am bipolar but I do not really want to fix that. I feel that if I fix that through medication I am not really me. I have spent a lot of time looking inwards and debating with myself if I should or shouldnt take medication to change me for the better but I feel that its not a good idea. Are you really you if you take something to change who you are? What defines a person? can it change over time? if so how? Those are the kinds of questions I ask myself. I am not saying those to come across as some edgy teenager, I am just sharing my thoughts. Even though I said I have made the decision not to fix the bipolar disorder I still agonize over the choice nearly every day thinking if it is really the right choice, and frankly I feel its probably harder than making the choice, everyday I have to make the choice again. I dont mean for this post to come across as so "shitty" I am just writing down what I am thinking and trying to generalize it as much as possible. I have thought about my writing my book ideas or poem ideas or dreams that I have here But I have decided for the most part against it as I dont really want to code another webpage for those and dont want them on the main page. If I do eventually write a book it would be more contemporary I think, for example one of my 2 favorite book ideas is about a rancher out in the planes of wyoming or something and just talks about his day to day life alone on the ranch with lots of introspection on his part. I doubt I will ever write that though as I lack the motivation and confidence to. I do not think I have much else to say/want to talk about, I suppose I can mention that I am apprehensive until now to try sleep medicine due to not liking dreams for some reason and I feel they increase the amount of dreams I have(along with the not wanting to form a dependency,and borderline psychotropic). Im sure looking back I will find this post cringe as it reads like a depressed 13 year old girls diary but not much I can do about that as I wont delete posts. 2/5/2022 6:47am

I had something in particular I wanted to share on this blog site but I forgot what it was, so I guess i will jsut write about whatever. I ordered some books from barnes and noble and instead I got a pair of shoes somehow, I hoping they will believe me and accept my refund when I take the shoes and box in today. The books I ordered were Walden and then a light novel called magic user:reborn in another world as a max level wizard. My friend said im not missing much by not getting Walden but I think It is something I need to read myself before I come to any conclusions. 8/4/2021 7:13am

I built my second pc a while ago, It works nicely. Currently its just sitting doing nothing but I will take it with me in the middle of August. I dont really have much else to say, just wanted to write another blog postso everybody could know I was alive. I have recently taken up reading again. I find it hard to get through my current book though "A connecticut yankee in kings arthurt court" It is very hard to read and goes on and on and on without getting to the point or it just skips everything entirely. In the course of a paragraph Twain just skips time forward 4 years. Not a big fan of Twain books but fantasy type stuff is my favorite genre so I figured I would give it a read. The person I emailed responded to me. I like emailing people in big parahgraph chunks like that, I think i need to start only looking for friends like that. 7/7/2021 5:58am

i got really drunk on vr chat last night and threw up. the people I was with said we should do that again sometime but I dont really want to make friends and let them down as I know that would happen so I will probably just have to not play for a while and hope they unfriend me. at my second job I have there is this really nice person who always says thank you in the sweetest and nicest way and it makes my heart melt. I dont think im gay but I wouldnt mind holding there hand or something. That sounds weird but thats just how it is, I could see myself with a guy just not in a sexual way, only romantic. I drunk texted them last night though and I am not even sure if they are gay or would feel the same way. (especially the no sexual interest part). I am trying to save up for a car (either na miata, rx8, or veloster) this summer by working but I keep on spending my money on pc parts even though I have a pc. I want to build 2 mini itx pc for college though so i can keep the full tower at home. Maybe I will post pictures of them on here if I ever get around to building them or maybe I will be smart and save my money for a car. 5/29/2021 5:00

Someone messaged me on steam saying they were sorry for blocking and unfriending me. I cant even remember who they are. For the past few months now I havent felt like talking to anybody really, especially over instant messaging. I guess Im in one of those ruts again. Months on end I wont want to talk to anyone and then for a few weeks I will just try my best to talk and make friends only to ghost them and not want to talk to anybody again. Its hard making friends when you dont want friends... that person who had a blog I emailed has yet to respond back. They talked about a lack of motivation to resopnd to emails before they stopped responding. I can relate to that, sometimes you just want to not have to talk to people. 4/22/2021 3:40am

The weather is super comfy where I am at currently. The wind is blowing super hard and I can hear it from my window, it is also super dark out and it is nice and moody, and it had rained earlier too. A pretty nice day in total. One of the people who I had emailed a while ago who had a blog responded, we have sent 3 emails to eachother and I am hoping to become good friends eventually. Meeting nice people off the internet can only end well right? I know Im right :) 3/18/2021 6:04

I had a dream that I had a girlfriend. I am actually super sad about that. The dream was basically I was at my new apartment I will be moving into this August for college and while I was there I was living with a girl who I got super close with. I remember from the dream I was on the back balcony and she was there too I had my hand on the rail and her hand brushed against mine and then we held hands. After that she went back inside and before I went back in I even thought to myself wait I am probably dreaming so I pinched myself to see if I felt pain and I guess I thought I did. After that I was on cloud 9 as we went back to the apartment and I woke up. I like how I think for me to have a girlfriend I must be dreaming... I am also learning how to play the piano though I am starting with theory first and am watching this Im using my 66 key keyboard but will need to buy a full size one eventually if I want to play all the songs I want to which is mainly just this and this 3/14/2021 1:50am

The creator of the solitare site actually emailed me back! he said there isnt a more updated version then the one I have :c and that he plans on updating it in the future. So it seems if I want my version I would really have to do it myself, maybe I should start with something easier than that and just do one of the versions I already have downloaded. Or maybe I will just lose interest in this and not do anything. I got my first email from someone randomly. It was because I post it on imageboards and they saw it and sent me an email, I hope we can become friends. Also I have not been doing my homework or studying for tests or anything. Idk why I just cant be bothered too. I am seeing a therapist soon I think so hopefully that will help. I dont want to take drugs or anything though so we would have to talk through the problems. 2/13/2021 3:47pm

I really like solitare and want to see if I can incoroprate it into my website, thankfully https://worldofsolitaire.com/ already has a html and css file i can download for the game although it is an older version and doesnt include my favorite (royal parade relaxed) so I will have to see if I can update the code to include that and get rid of everything I dont need to keep size low. How hard can it be? sound like famous last words 2/7/2021 5:12am

Its hard being a romantic as a guy I feel like. Another girl I liked and trusted said maybe our periods will sync up since we are talking so much. And elaborated on how they think im more of a girl than them. I just find the personality the most important part of a person. A perfect date doesnt include sex at all, a nice romantic dinner with hand holding maybe I hold an umbrella for both of us. Sad part is I cried when she had said that, guess all I did was prove her right. Incase anyone was wondering I failed both of the tests I didnt study for. And so far nobody I have emailed has responded. (the emails were a bit weird I dont blame them) 2/7/2021 2:41am

I havent showed up to any of my online classes all week. I think I missed a test. I didnt do a lab reprt for a class and told the prof I just didnt understand it so I didnt do it and they wrote a long email trying to explain it to me and I feel kind of bad, not because they explained it but because Im not even sure I want to try it again. I also have another test tomorrow I didnt study for. I think I will fail 2 of the 3 classes I take this semester. I get a little vexed about this because I know If I actually applied myself and tried I could do great in my math class at least. c'est la vie. I am going through emailing a bunch of people who have contact info on their blogs trying to become friends, I hope they dont think of me as weird. If someone ever did that to me though I think I would be too flustered to respond, Its just they know all of these things about me and I know nothing about them, Im not so crazy to act like I am the only person who has my kind of thhoughts though so no worries there though. 2/4/2021 12:03

I was looking through lots of old blogs on this site, many of them are more cozy than mine. Perhaps I should add something like a dark mode/expiremental mode where its a button you click? Anyways, when looking through those blogs I know someday mine will most likely be like that, I wonder if I will still think about my site in the future when I no longer post and just choose not to blog anymore or maybe I die in a car crash. Nobody here will ever know.... Anyways. I liked all of these old blog sites even if they are only a year or 2 old. 2/3/2021 3:29am

Its hard to find motivation to do any of my school work. I dont really care is the problem, I could be homeless and I would still be fine with life. Maybe I should see a therapist about this? People tell me this is what depression is. Problem is I just dont want to take psychotropic drugs so Im not sure how much help a therapist would be. I dont feel like I would be myself if I took them. One of my online friends told me its sad I havent really had any real life friends in my life. I had school friends but thats it never played games with them or hung out when not in school, I didnt even want to hang out with them while I was in school that much if I am honest. Real friends just annoy me I suppose. 2/2/2021 7:00pm

It was hard to make another entry because I could not stop thinking about the last one and how cringe it is. Part of me wants to delete it, but thats not the point of this site. Im glad nobody really reads these. Although that is a bit sad to think that way makes me feel like whats the point in doing this in the first place. Whats the point in doing anything? 1/21/2021 1:28pm

All of my classes are online for the upcoming semester. Im a bit worried I wont be able to do well in them. Im a bit excited for the poetry class though. Heres a haiku I made about crows, its not the best but it is fun to think of synonyms and other words to use. The Midnight Plumage Eyes red like blood from murder apt is their evil name. 1/3/2021 7:12am

I guess I should post more on here now that I have given people the link to this site. Hopefully I can find the motivation to post more on here, its hard wanting to do things. 12/29/2020 5:22am

Why is it "take that with a grain of salt?" If it something thats hard to believe it should be more than a grain. A pound of salt, a teaspoon of salt. Or maybe Im just dumb and dont understand things... 12/17/2020 3:10pm

This is my first post on my site after somehow, months of working. Im not too sure what to say so I will just keep it short and sweet with this. 12/14/2020 9:00am